Unfortunately for quite a few of my friends, those that I know personally, those that I associate with occasionally and those that I’ve recently met through my blog, you are traveling down a road that I’ve treaded upon for almost 20 years - this will be your first Mother’s Day without your mother. Will it be hard? Yes. Will it get easier? Ummm….some years it will be a little easier but it takes time. For me 20 years later still seems like yesterday….
Mother’s Day….Around this time of year I find myself writing about how much I miss my mom or how much I appreciate all that she’s done, all that she was, and all that she still is in my life. With each letter typed I find myself misting up and usually by the middle or end of my article I’m in tears. As I cry a little and write a little I often find laughter in the middle of my tears – tears then laughter - it’s like that sometimes AND yes, it’s okay. Okay? Yes it’s okay to cry about missing your first love. I do it all the time – at home, on the way to work, when I’m stressed and need someone to talk to, when I hear a song that reminds me of her, and when I realize how much of our lives she’s missed – I can’t help it. However, the one thing that I’ve taught myself over the years is that it’s okay to cry. I have messed up many a morning make-up but its okay…God knows that my heart is heavy that’s why He sends me a rainbow of laughter in the midst of my pain.
As I was preparing for something to write this year I wanted to do something a little different than in years past. My mind drifted to all of the small sacrifices that she’s made, the little things that didn’t seem like much back then. As I was thinking about my mom, Ms. Virginia (as she was called by my friends), God gave me a strengthener for 2009 in a song that I remember from way back in the day but never associated it with my mother. This, He knew, would explain how she was able to do all that she did; how she was able to make the big and the small sacrifices. It would give me answers to questions that I’m just now asking. In the middle of April as I was cleaning house God put an unexpected smile on my face. “This,” He dropped in my spirit, “is the song that will sum up all that you have said to her, tried to write to or about her, or have felt for her the last 20 years. It will explain how.” This year God found a way to dry my tears.
Bishop T.D. Jakes wrote a book, Mama Made the Difference. Well, yes she did. And in the middle of April, as I danced around in my bathroom, I began to understand how she was able to love me unconditionally even when I tried her patience. I began to understand how she was able to have just the right touch, the right heart, the right words and the right devotion that allowed her to love 4 children separately but equally. So Mama, surprisingly this year I write my article not in tears but with the smile I had as I danced around my bathroom; a smile is what you would have wanted from me. Happy Mother’s Day Mama - as always I’m forever loving you and I hope that I’m still making you proud.
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